Commitment and Marriage…

  I’ve always feared commitment and marriage… To me it signified some invisible chain that keeps you from doing things for yourself and keeps you from being yourself… Having children? That too, was scary to me since it meant even more responsibilities… But don’t get me wrong though, I LOVE children, I just didn’t like the thought of having to take care of them all day long and not having time for myself..

That was before though..

It is amazing how our ideas and ideals change as we go through life’s bumps and curves… I understand now that the reason I was so scared of commitment before was because I haven’t yet met the person I wanted to commit myself to and want to live my life with.. But now that I have, everything seems to be coming to a perfect circle.

I now see myself getting married, having kids and yes, even having the problems of a married life. I guess that is the real magic of life, that you continually change and that you do not end up going solo all the way.. And that you create your own magic, your very own family and you share that family to the world.. And then they create their very own magic as well.. Its a wonderful cycle.

I’ve always had a somewhat cynical idea on the wedding ceremony, I’ve always thought it was dreadful to be wearing a gown, walking down the isle and being the center of attention was a little too much for me.. but even my perception of that has changed.. Although I still don’t see myself going through the traditional church wedding, I now see myself walking down the isle and heading towards the man I am going to marry, with tears rolling down my eyes and with a whole new life ahead of me.. The emotions are too overwhelming… Haah…

Yep.. I guess that is the next big step that is all too near I can even smell it…

It is coming allright, but I hope not to fast, the life of a single woman with a loving beau is good enough for me now.. Maybe later, like 2 years from now maybe?? Hehehe… Or maybe 5, its not a race, right? What matters is that I am emotionally and mentally ready for it and I am not scared anymore… That is already a great achievement for me.

(To all my married friends who happen to read this blog entry, please let me in on your married lives, I’d love to hear from you…)

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The tangled web I’ve woven…

Have you ever had one of those moments in your life when you feel like you’re all tangled and messsed up?? I think I am having one of those times…. Not a fault of anyone else but me… It’s weird, you reach the age of 25 and you think you’re pretty much ok and you know exactly where you’re heading…. Only to realize that you’re lost and what’s sad is that you’re alone…

Sucks huh!! Oh well…. I guess I am doing this to myself…. Hmmm… I better get rid of this feeling, its really dreadful….  I need some glucose probably, my cells are getting all drained and bored…. Hmm…. Come to think of it, its 10 in the morning and I haven’t had breakfast yet… I really need something to keep my gastric acid from melting the inner lining of my stomach…

This is just how I am, whenever I am alone and in a sentimental mood, I get all sorts of feelings…

I am lost, Lord

Wandering the streets of life

Lifeless, alone, downhearted

I need some form of comfort

A hand to hold, a warm embrace

I cry in silence and show to the world

A happy face, a mask

To hide my true self

My true emotions hidden

I long for a higher being

To take me from all this

To experience heaven like never before

I dream of heaven

But tearfully wake up to a reality

A dreadful reality

Save me from all this, Lord

Keep me safe under your protective embrace

And provide me the love

I never will be worthy of

For your love is unconditional

And pure and lasting

I will rest all my worries, Lord

And give them all to you

I close my eyes

And forget all my fears and anxieties

And let you lead my life

Wherever you want it to… (11/04/06 Sat, 10:05AM, Lahug Internet Cafe)

Wow!! Now, I feel so much better!